Fat Guys and Airplanes

BY MIKE

Kevin Smith was kicked off of an airplane for being fat. 

Yes … I know I'm a good month and half late in sharing my opinions on this topic. But hey, when this happened, Headshot Radio was still dead in the ground instead of being resurrected and roaming the Earth in search of human flesh. Website and podcast commentary aside … Kevin Smith was kicked off of an airplane ... FOR BEING FAT!

As a fellow fat guy and former fan of Southworst Airlines … (I liked their check in Early and get first priority policy) … this hit close to home. I mean … it's kind of disturbing that a skinny guy with an explosive device strapped to him can get on a plane and make it halfway to Detroit … but Kevin Smith can't even make it off the tarmac. I can only assume that means that his girth was more dangerous to his fellow passengers than the bomb was on that flight to the Motor City. That might have had a lot to do with the fact I don't think many people would miss Detroit … other than comedians.

::: Before you post a comment about how you can see if someone is fat but you can't see a hidden bomb on a terrorist … pick a different blog to read. You missed the point. :::

Besides … the law that requires all suicide bombers to wear their weapons of death on the outside of their clothes isn't up for debate in Congress until 2012 … and we'll all be dead by then. I saw that John Cusack movie.


John Cusack proves that not everyone can look awesome walking away from an explosion.
The thing that really makes me laugh with rage is the reason that Southwest Airlines gave for the incident and their policy. They said that an overweight person must buy two tickets (Kevin Smith couldn't because he was flying standby) because we infringe on the comfort and the safety of the passengers around us. 

REALLY?

Oh right … I forgot that during a crisis, we fat people change into half Jackal, half Godzilla creatures who's sole purpose is to impede on the safety of passengers of an airplane. We run around tearing down oxygen masks, popping inflatable flotation devices and tying everyone's shoelaces together. Heck … I wouldn't let us on a plane either.

 
*Thanks to Bungie for rendering the "half Jackal / half Godzilla" concept for me.

However … assuming for a second that we're actually normal people with a little extra padding, the most our neighbors have to deal with is a little less arm and leg room. And let me assure you … just like a bear … we're more afraid of you than you are of us. Because as uncomfortable as you are … we're three times more uncomfortable than you because:

A. We're crowded on both sides of the chair and out front.

B. We're worried about what you're thinking about the fatty sitting next to you.

C. We're hungry.

And just so you know … I'm actually all for the fat guys having to buy two tickets thing...

… as soon as we start getting two packages of peanuts. Only fair right?

*though small ... each packet of peanuts contains 350 calories and a chemical that makes you want to order 5 or 6 bloody mary's.

Now if airlines are allowed to kick you off for being fat … what about all the other annoying people that ruin your little part of paradise 32,000 feet in the air?

Can you request to that the person sitting in front of you who keeps putting their seat in the recline position when you're trying to watch a movie on your laptop be kicked off the plane? I'd like to see them jettisoned out the eject pod of a plane … which ever one releases the crap from the tiny bathroom toilets.

Or how about the middle-aged woman sitting next to you who's chatting with the other middle-aged woman across the isle and two rows up about what happened on last night's Dancing With The Stars? She's impeding the safety of the other passengers because she's increasing the probability that someone is going to open the emergency door of the plane just so they will shut up.

Dancing with the Stars ... part of ABC's "Poke your Eyes out" Monday lineup.

Then there is my favorite … the guy who sits down next to you in gym shorts and a T-shirt and smells like he just went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson's balls … and lost. That guy could use an entire section of the plane to himself if things were truly fair.

Now, I know the fat guy rules … even though I often break them myself.

- Fat guys aren't allowed to post videos on the internet … youtube has shown me that.

- When someone farts … the fattest guy in the room gets blamed.

- Fat guys can be humiliated and teased at will because blubber blocks the emotion centers in their brains.

- Fat guys who order anything other than salad at the restaurant are to be stared at with disgust and be personally blamed for the cultural decay of America. 

- Fat guys are the leading cause of death among diving boards. 

 Ever wonder what WWF Wrestler Earthquake did in his spare time?
 

Alls I'm saying is like the rest of the world … fat guys also enjoy to travel to far-away places in the air for a reasonable price.